Farewell My Conch-ubine

As Jon Scheyer stood at the free throw line in Wednesday night’s game against the University of Miami, students shouted, waved their hands, and hexed him.  That should come as no surprise to anyone who has seen a college basketball game.  It’s standard protocol.

Then, from deep within that stadium-filling roar, a rogue sound bellowed.  It was placid, almost dreamy, and exotic.  It made me want a frozen beverage, preferably wearing a paper umbrella.

In typical whiney buzzkill fashion, Coach K had the offending object removed from the game.  Are you serious, guy?  You’re going to remove a conch shell.  I just reread the ACC’s rules on noisemakers, and it doesn’t say anything about mollusks.  It says, “Artificial noisemakers, air horns and electronic amplifiers shall not be permitted, and such instruments shall be removed from the playing and spectator areas.”  Pffft.  Conch shells are au natural.  Furthermore, is it that serious?

Now, I know I’m biased, and there are two reasons for that.  One, as a Maryland alum, I’m sworn to hate all things Dookie, especially men’s basketball.  Two, I have a sense of humor.  And blowing into a conch shell while wearing an elephant hat is absolutely shit-kicking hilarious.

I want to kiss that kid.  He’s a legend.  From now on, this kid is a beacon of creative shenanigans.  He’s the conch guy.  The guy who brought the conch to a game.  On the other side of this epic tale of good and evil is Coach Mike Krzyzewski, who I don’t trust as far as I can spell his name (I get 3 letters deep and lose interest).

If you would prefer people remain boring and quiet, don’t come to a basketball game.  And if you’re irritated by loud noises and distractions, don’t be a basketball coach.  If the “K” that starts your name is pronounced “Shh,” don’t try and project that on everyone else.

All I’m trying to say is that Coach K is the stickler RA who noticed you were having fun on a school night.

Here, Terp fans execute Operation Scheyerface v.2.0 in 2009

Look, Jon Scheyer may be absolutely hideous to watch (see Operation Scheyerface, at left), but at least he’s not Kyle Singler, who I think played Silas in the movie The Da Vinci Code.

Scheyer is an 88.8% free throw shooter.  I’m pretty sure the kid can shoot a foul shot when someone is honking the conch.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go honk my conch.

*Special thanks to reader Chris Nolin for the priceless tip.  How could I not feature this?


4 thoughts on “Farewell My Conch-ubine

  1. This tops the list of appropriate uses of a conch shell toot. Congratulations, Terp McAwesome. You just bested Lord of the Flies and the (2nd) episode of The State in which the maitre’d uses one to restore peace once the choking dinner patron regains oxygen.

    Love the digs at Coach K’s last name. Special request: next time you want to use “Pffft,” please consider “Csheeeet.”

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