I Stumble Over High Schoolers’ Words

I know it’s incredibly nerdy and worth an 8.8 on the pretentious scale, but I’m a huge fan of words, of language.  The English language is so rich that it’s currently surfing a tsunami of coins.

Pardon the insensitive metaphor.

Like any wasteful Saturday, I found myself skulking around the internet, avoiding ChatRoulette (<- an article about it, not the actual site), and hitting the StumbleUpon button in my browser’s toolbar.  Now, for those of you who are cognizant of time-wasting devices and have avoided installing Stumble, congratulations.  But sometimes, you can find a real gem on your first hit.  Like I did today.

Other times, I find myself whispering, “Just one more click,” forty times, like I’m a heroin addict chasing the dragon, a useful term I learned care of my Stumble addiction.  I’ve learned other lessons.  For example, that I should never ever(^5) talk to a cop about a crime without a lawyer, how to build invisible bookshelves, and how to create a musical experience to reflect or alter my mood.  Now you can see the value and the vice of Stumble.

As I was saying before I got distracted, I Stumbled upon a real winner today.

I love how English is able to capture and depict people and situations with such accuracy.  With a little thought, a description can be so accurate that it trumps the actual occurrence.  And with the sentences shown below, high school students have done just that.

But just one more thing.

I will say that while I absolutely love these descriptions, the stickler in me just can’t leave well enough alone.  Here’s where I put my hand on my hip and say “Actually, none of these are metaphors; they’re all similes.”  Then, I’ll smirk condescendingly, love myself for using a semicolon, triple-check my post for grammatical mistakes, and lose half my readers.

Without further ado (and there’s already been too much…), I present to you – Funny Similes Used in High School Essays.

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From: http://help.com/post/124066-funny-metaphors-used-in-high-school

Funny metaphors used in high school essays

Just in case you need some writing inspiration. Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year’s winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

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Any favorites?  Any additions?

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6 thoughts on “I Stumble Over High Schoolers’ Words

  1. Poor writing is an epidemic. Where are the English teachers in all this? I get this kind of crap all the time from my history students. The grammar and syntax errors make it that much worse…

  2. Kelaine,
    You’re a true wordsmith with a flamboyant writing style mixing facts, ruthless sarcasm, rectitude, and plain fun. Furthermore, you actually know the difference between metaphor and simile even without a study guide!
    Nodice

  3. 5, 8, 15, 17, 23 and 25 – toss a coin as to whether these kids were serious or just plain high when crafting these gems.

  4. If things don’t work out with Woody being your boyf, I just want to make sure you know how much I <3.

    All my co-workers are now also desirous of the ability to punch people in the face with no consequences, by the by.

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