Lindsay Lohan Wants $100m for Being an Infant Approximately 24 Years Ago

I’m going to duck all the obvious jokes on this one and come out swinging.

Lindsay Lohan is completely irrelevant.  She’s the epitome of washed up, washed out, and ironically, unwashed.

Sure, there was a time when she was a super fly biddie with actual hips and a film career.

daaaaamn shawtay

But those days have expired, and now she finds herself devoid of talent, personality, and any distinguishing marks.

Her freckles have evaporated.

Her bad case of ginger has met the treatment regimen endorsed by my sister (“If I had a kid with red hair, I would beat it until it turned blonde.”).

hey little thing lemme lightcha candle

And she now looks like Chris Robinson of the Black Crowes.

It’s getting hard to handle my vitriol against Lohan, who is, by all accounts, a trough of douche refuse.

At least she’s got me laughing this time.

Perhaps you recall the E-Trade commercial from the Super Bowl.  Perhaps you don’t.  It was mediocre, and didn’t even make my Top 5 Super Bowl Commercials.  At any rate, the commercial goes a little like this:

Did you notice any freckled bi-curious gingers in that ad?  Me neither.

Do you know seven people named Lindsay?  Me too.

Still, Lohan is suing E-Trade for $100m, for using her “name and characterization” in business without paying her or getting her approval.  Milk-a-what?!


Lohan, who at one time was also slutty at the age of one, is claiming $100 million in damages for the use of another childish floozy with addiction issues named Lindsay.  Are you still there, reader?  Or have you also given up on the world?

Thankfully, E-Trade is armed with logic and reason.  New York Post reports the obvious.  A spokesman for Grey Group, which produced the ad, has said they “just used a popular baby name that happened to be the name of someone on the account team.”  Oh, right.  That’s what I suspected.

How unbelievably baseless does your claim have to be for The Today Show to overtly mock you?  The Today Show, for crying out loud, which has such hard-hitting news that its homepage looked like this today:

Today's News, even though we're fighting two wars

Oh, Lindsay.  Your ego is hilarious.  And now, roll credits; take it away Carly!


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