J’s 30th Birthday Roast

Last night, Comedy Central premiered the Roast of David Hasselhoff, which cleaned my plate.  The guest of honor didn’t seem to get stuck as much as Pam Anderson, which, I’m not even going to make a joke about because it’s already been done.  Anyway, if I had to rank the roasters, my top five would look like this:

Not embarrassing
David Hasselhoff also talks to puppies

#5 – Gilbert Gottfried

#4 – Whitney Cummings

#3 – Lisa Lampanelli

#2 – Jeffrey Ross

#1 – Greg Giraldo

I won’t ruin Comedy Central’s plans to run this roast another 50 times and give away any of their jokes, but let it be known that I only let my best friend talk about his breakup at commercial breaks.  Point isn’t that I’m a bad friend.  It was that funny that I ever so selflessly wanted him to laugh.  Don’t ever say I’m not sensitive.

But I digress…

Actually, before there was The Roast of David Hasselhoff, there was the talentless, embarrassing, and inexplicable career of David Hasselhoff.  But between those two things, there was my sister Jill’s 30th Birthday Roast.  Seven of her closest friends and family members prepared (or didn’t) material to skewer and rotisserie the egomaniac behind What Would Jilly Wear and the most intelligent person you ever knew who still talks to and through stuffed puppies.

This week, stay tuned for footage from each of the evening’s roasters.  Join me, your roastmaster, as I take a few practice swings at my sister.

Lee is one of the roommates who lives with my sister’s boyfriend, so he has no shortage of material.  Lee was one of my top two favorite roasters of the evening, which isn’t saying much.  Kidding.  Not about him being one of my favorites.  About it not meaning much.  Without any further ado, please welcome Lee.


11 thoughts on “J’s 30th Birthday Roast

  1. So mad I missed Jeff Ross. Always look forward to his roasts. I’m glad I DVRed it, though. HOF line of the night: Lisa Lampanelli has an important role in African American history. The last black man to pick cotton was pulling out her tampon.” Absolutely killed me.

  2. Thanks so much for sharing the videos! You nailed it (as I expected), however I have to say that my favorite part was when your sister threatened to reveal your dad’s SSN and he shouted in protest. LOVE THOSE CONOCHANS!!

  3. Top roasters of all time:

    1000. Hulk Hogan
    5. Lisa Lampanelli
    4. Greg Giraldo
    3. Jeffrey Ross
    2. Gilbert Gottfried
    1. Kelaine Conochan

    Period. Fact. That’s a wrap.

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