After much public speculation and mourning, the official autopsy report for Irony reveals cause of death as strangulation caused by hanging. Time of death has been determined as 9:07pm on Thursday, March 22.
When first responders arrived to Irony’s apartment in Echo Park, Los Angeles, they found the deceased unconscious and unresponsive as the result of what has been identified as a deliberate hanging. None of the attempted interventions were successful in revitalizing one of literature’s greatest devices. There are no signs of foul play and no indication of collaboration.
Friends say that Irony had been on a severe backslide since the resurgence of the handlebar moustache.
“It causes me great sadness, what has happened to Irony. And trust me, I know great sadness,” said close friend and dramatic style Tragedy. “He just felt like people were taking everything he had worked so hard to establish and wearing it with a wolf t-shirt. It just isn’t fair.”
In recent months, friends note that Irony started to withdraw socially. After living most of his adult life in Williamsburg, Irony moved away from friends and family rather suddenly, heading to Los Angeles, where he settled in the Echo Park neighborhood. Long-time friends Metaphor and Simile note that the move did not improve Irony’s deteriorating mental state.
“The past few weeks had been really tough to watch. Irony turned into Boo Radley and hid from the cruel world,” said Metaphor. “But the real irony is that Boo was not an ironic character, which just made it worse. People kept calling it ironic, but it wasn’t. It was just something notable. It was so sad.”
Many have pointed fingers at the hipster community for causing Irony’s loss of life. “It was like pulling a loose thread from a seam; it all fell apart,” Simile added. “There was nothing we could do. It was too late. Those hipster dickheads are like maggots festering in the entrails of the weak.”
Others suggest that Irony felt a constant assault on his character, the result of a collective misunderstanding of what Irony is and how to use it effectively. Inside an envelope labeled “Read this, you idiots,” authorities found a note that seems to support this thesis. A few choice excerpts from said note have been included below.
“It’s better to go out on your own terms than on someone else’s. I’m afraid I have neither choice available to me. Due to general abuse and complete ignorance, I must end it now. The age of Irony is over.”
In the suicide note, Irony goes on to spell out the difference between something that is a coincidence and something that is truly ironic.
“Too often, fools have used my name in vain in an effort to sound smart and charming, which is nearly impossible to do when you’re incorrect. Ironically, that is irony in its last act on this Earth. I’d rather just end it here and now and force you toads to seek other means for expressing your coincidences. Yes, that is the word you’re looking for.”
The Omniscient Narrator, one of Irony’s closest friends, also noted the visible decline. “I saw this coming,” she said. “But it wasn’t just me. You all saw it coming too. It’s called dramatic irony, and it’s one of the many ways the memory of our friend can live on.”
In the note, Irony calls Sarcasm to the carpet, pointing out its brashness and snarky tone. The long-standing feud between the two verbal devices gained much public attention in recent years, culminating in a public scuffle. In this note, Irony gets the last word.
“That insufferable little twit, Sarcasm will take all the credit for the verbal irony I spent years creating. Decades! That shallow bitch has ruined the subtlety of a good thing.” Sarcasm rolled her eyes and said she would just love to give us a comment, but just gave out her last one. Clever.
“My life is truly an irony of fate, which is different from how you feel when it’s raining on your wedding day. I know because I invented it,” Irony continues in the note. “I am cosmic irony. Because you didn’t understand it, you were careless, and you broke it. You ruined it. And now I have to take it away from you because you don’t deserve it. No longer can you stamp Irony on your stupid oversized glasses and American Apparel ads. Without Irony, you’ve simply elected to be ugly.”
In all, Irony lived a rich literary life that was cut too short by hipsters and idiots, all of whom took Irony for granted. The death of Irony is a tragedy that will be felt by all, from classrooms to the criss-crossing moments of daily life.
The funeral will be held Thursday at St. Francis de Sales Church. In efforts to prevent the deceased from rolling over in his grave, the family has requested that I tell you it is not ironic that St. Francis de Sales is the patron saint of writers.