This doesn’t need much of an intro. I’m a tomboy who stares at attractive dudes. I wouldn’t call myself a jersey chaser, but that might just be because these guys have a running start. Follow along today and tomorrow for the big reveal of my Top 10 Hot Dudes.
For today, numbers 10 to 6.
10. Channing Tatum
So, this spot is reserved for the hottest dude who can dance. While I may spend 4-10 hours a weekend watching Chris Brown videos and practicing pops & locks in the mirror, I just can’t bring myself to give him a spot on this list because he’s an awful person who happens to have talent. So I have to find a suitable replacement.
The good news is that Channing Tatum makes that easy. He’s not quite as acrobatic and flexible as Chris Brown, but he is definitely hotter. That jawline is phenomenal. His body is a little on the bulky side for me, but I’m not actually complaining. He’s got a tight midsection and icy eyes that definitely don’t hurt his case.
Also, Channing Tatum can dance his ass off.
Based on his looks, I would have assumed he never had to bother developing a personality. What a refreshing surprise to learn he’s charming and funny. And if I’m honest, I’ve been into Channing Tatum since his 2002 Mountain Dew commercial. Fact.
9. Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez
My first crush may have been Fred Savage, the chubby-cheeked and wholesome Kevin Arnold. But Benjamin Franklin Rodriguez, better known on the playground as “Benny The Jet,” is where it all really started, friends. He was the most athletic kid on the diamond, who could run faster, hit farther, and shag flys better than anybody. He couldn’t be bothered with the bullshit, either. He wasn’t going to play with squares or bullies. He wasn’t going to rub his talent in your face. He was just going to be better than you because that was enough. Be still, my 11 year-old heart.
Benny The Jet, the dreamy hero from 1993’s The Sandlot taught me all I needed to know about my type.
Find the young, athletic Latino with the flyest kicks on the block. CHECK, PLEASE.
8. Oscar Pistorius
Ok, if there’s going to be a second white dude on this list, he might as well be African. And a double-amputee, while we’re at it.
Oscar Pistorius, one of South Africa’s fastest 400m sprinters, may not have fibula but that doesn’t stop him on the track and sure as hell doesn’t stop him from being super hot. He has the face Jason Statham wished he had. It’s somehow both youthful and mature, balancing some serious cheekbones with a little five o’clock shadow. I don’t even like facial hair and this dude has me sweating.
Plus, he’s got the long-and-lean build that gets me every time. And yeah, I’ll say it. Blade Runner? I’m intrigued.
On top of just generally being hot, he’s an extraordinary athlete that probably makes you feel like an ass for complaining that your legs were too sore or that you got cut from the team because your coach was a jerk. Oscar Pistorius is a walking testament to the fact that everything will be fine if you just stop making excuses and run.
7. Pharrell Williams
In the many times I’ve stared at lil Skateboard P, I’ve always been drawn to how his eyes and nose are completely raceless. He could be white. He could be Indian. He could be Asian. But as soon as he drops a beat, you know he’s black.
He made it cool and acceptable for dudes to sing along, both falsetto and in earnest. His beats are legendary, including NORE’s “Nothin’,” which I would attest is the hottest beat of all time. Unless maybe it’s “Grindin.” Or maybe it’s “Twisted.” Or Milkshake.” This is an impossible task. I can’t decide. I’ve been hooked on Pharrell’s beats since “Rump Shaker.”
Most importantly, Pharrell makes me believe it’s OK to dress like a 10 year old, well into my 30s. I mean, dude is 39 but looks like he just finished high school. It’s incredible. So long as you have fresh kicks (see: ice creams), you can do no wrong.
There’s no way this person is named Javier Hernández.
I can’t accept that. In my mind, Javier Hernández has at least some tattoos or a scar or acne. This adorable creature looks like you just pulled him off a shelf at the toy store, got home and let your little cousin open the box. He’s so fresh-faced and precious, until you’re defending him and he drills one into the near post.
So what shall we call him? What’s the cutest word you can think of? How about Chicharito?
Chicharito is super fast, has a heat-seeking missile of a foot, and in case that wasn’t enough, a gigantic, toothpaste commercial smile that switches on like stadium lights. Bling!
Chicharito (which means “Little Pea”) literally looks exactly like an anime character. This isn’t one of those times when someone says literally but means figuratively, like when they say “I’m literally starving to death” but you saw them eat breakfast and think maybe they’ve confused their usage of literally because they don’t know how to call emphasis to something without saying a word they’ve heard misused like a thousand times. I say literally and mean it. You could not convince me that this isn’t the same person:
Which one is Speed Racer? Trick question because it’s THE SAME PERSON.
That wraps up today’s edition. Stay tuned tomorrow for the Top 5.