A Tomboy Ranks Her Top 10 Hot Dudes: The Top 5

Yesterday, we looked at numbers 10 through 6.  But this is it.  The top 5.  The hottest dudes in the world.

5.  Carlos Bocanegra

The United States isn’t without its own super hot Latino footballers.  We’ve got Juan AgudeloHerculez Gomez, and (he’s-Brazilian-but-I’m-counting-it) Benny Feilhaber.  But none of these guys can touch Carlos Bocanegra.

Bocanegra, which is incredibly fun to say, is the captain of the US Men’s National Team and one of the only defenders on the team that doesn’t make me throw my hands up in despair (see also: Jonathan Bornstein.  Or don’t.  Please tell me he’s off the team.).  Here he stands shirtless after a World Cup victory, drinking Budweiser in this fucking amazing picture of him and Bill Clinton.

I promise, it does not get better than that.

Bocanegra, who is both Mexican and light-eyed (swoon!) was featured in this year’s edition of ESPN Magazine’s The Body Issue (see my blog post about 2010’s edition), showing off every angle of his chiseled features.  It’s not even fair.

4.  Mark Sanchez

Don’t roll your eyes.  Shut up.  As a Jets fan, I’ve heard everything you want to say about Mark Sanchez.  No, I don’t think he’s an elite QB.  No, I don’t know what our organization is planning to do with a 1-2 combo of Sanchez-Tebow, especially when we don’t even have a decent WR core.

Here’s what I do know:

  1. Wherever you stand on Mark Sanchez, he is neither as bad nor as good as you think.
  2. Mark Sanchez needs to develop a killer instinct.
  3. Mark Sanchez is the hottest football player in the NFL.

Period.

He’s got amazing hair, a perfect smile, and a sick body.  He also has kind eyes and a good heart, which as a female person I’m into, but as a Jets fan I’d like to shake.  That sounds like the plotline to a terrible movie whereby I’m hired to use my cold heart to bring Mark Sanchez, a naturally gifted athlete who can’t seem to get the job done, to dark places that harden him and turn him away from his warm, loving, happy upbringing/family/life.  I do this, all in the name of bringing him fortune and fame (and a Super Bowl title to the New York Jets franchise, which my rich, evil, probably racist father obviously owns).

This plot will go wayside, of course, when I accidentally fall for Mark and have to tell him about this whole silly hired gun thing.  Ironically, this will be the dark event that hardens Mark, leaving him betrayed and angry — with a vendetta.  He’ll demand a trade and of course the Jets will play his new team in the Super Bowl.  Down 5 points, on a 4th and goal with 0:01 on the clock, he’ll see me in the stands wearing HIS jersey, and have to choose — my love or his love of the game.  HOW DOES IT END?

Dude, that movie would make millions.  When I sell out and start writing rom-coms, I’ll be a star.

The reality is that I have actual emotions toward Mark Sanchez because he has played for my teams.  Watching him lead the Trojans offense every Saturday and then every Sunday for the Jets, you grow attached to the guy.  And I know that inside the sometimes pouty, sometimes passive and careless QB1 for the Jets is a Rose Bowl MVP.  If I need to lead him to the wilderness to toughen him up, I eagerly volunteer.

3.  Blake Griffin

So far, this list has included adorably youthful faces with taut, ectomorph bodies.  I know, it’s been great, right?

Enter Blake Griffin at 6’10” and 250 pounds.

Blake Griffin is a man.  Blake Griffin will make you finish your goddamn vegetables.

Blake has a lock on contrasts.  He is power and finesse.  He is man and beast.  He is strength and agility.  And in spite of his country club croquet match name, Blake Griffin is only half white.

Blake may not be the third best looking man on the planet, but he’s so interesting looking. Ugh, I hate the word interesting.  It has no teeth.  What does it even mean?

It means that if I’m ever in a room surrounded by 500 uncannily hot dudes, I’d probably stare at Blake the longest.

I can’t stop looking at him.  I want to analyze his structurally black features that contrast with his freckles and almost-red hair. I want to stand next to him and see if the top of my head reaches his elbow.  I suspect it doesn’t.  I want to observe his body in motion and figure out how something so massive can also be so agile.

And what better way to observe him at him than in this clip, where he makes Kendrick Perkins look like a small child, despite the fact that Perk outweighs him by 20 pounds.

Wow.  The way he throws down a dunk, it wouldn’t surprise me if he could palm my head and suspend me, like one of those quarter-sucking claw games at an arcade.  Is it weird that that’s a turn on?

2.  Jacoby Ellsbury

In case you haven’t considered it yet, Jacoby Ellsbury is incredibly hot.  I don’t know why more people aren’t talking about this.  People act like Derek Jeter doesn’t have an elongated penis-shaped head that happens to be balding or that Jason Werth doesn’t have a soul patch and look like he should be the bassist in Creed.  Sure, David Wright is truly and honestly hot, but why are people sleeping on Jacoby Ellsbury?

I don’t understand why he isn’t a bigger talking point in the discussion of super hot athletes.

Everything on Jacoby is angular and dramatic.  His strong jawline.  His prominent nose.  His broad shoulders and small waist that make such a perfect V-shape you’d have to assume The DaVinci Code ended with Mary Magdalene buried at his feet. And he has those intensely dark, but still glowing ember hot, eyes.

He’s also lightning fast.  Dude steals bases like they’re ketchup packets.  It’s too easy.  Anyone who can make the Yankees look this stupid gets an autobid to the list but Jacoby takes it to a-whole-nother-level.

1.  Cristiano Ronaldo

As if there was any doubt who would take the top spot.  Come on.  Have we met?

If you can find one permanent thing that is physically imperfect about Cristiano, you’re either an idiot or a liar.  He is the most perfect looking human in the history of the world.  Believe that.

Here are the things he’s doing right, even though they make you so angry:

  • Balling outrageous with blinding footwork
  • Tallying goals like a machine
  • Strutting around in small shorts/taking his jersey off to reveal seamlessly tan skin
  • Being carved from stone with body fat percentage in the single digits
  • Sculpting his eyebrows
  • Wearing questionable hairstyles to which the answer is reluctantly ‘yes’
  • Shaving his whole body (who actually likes body hair?)
  • Rocking tight Euro clothes
  • Having perfect cheek bones, dimples, and teeth

Clearly Cristiano is trying.  Without effort, he’d still be on this list, and probably at the top spot.  But he makes everyone so angry because yeah, he knows he’s fly, but he doesn’t stop.  He’s a madman.

He’s nasty good at everything he does.  And yeah, he’s cocky, but he can back it up.  It must be infuriating.  But hating him won’t make you any better at soccer or better looking, and it won’t make him any worse.

File Cristiano under COULD GET IT.

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