In September, I ranked my Top 10 Hottest Dudes, showing off my strong preference for athletes, Latinos, and hateable demigods who wax their body hair. The run-down got mixed reviews — rebuttals, high fives, and some serious Pepe Le Pew heartstorms.
But there were also a lot of heterosexual males who felt left out. And since I value justice, this post intends to settle the score.
A brief disclaimer. Having been mistaken for a lesbian for most of my life (thanks, everyone!), I’ve learned how important it is to be comfortable with my sexuality. But apparently, a lifetime of dressing like an eight year-old boy and RSVPing no to “girls’ night!!!” activities raises some eyebrows.
So here I stand, falsely accused, but embracing it. Without further ado, here are my top 10 female crushes.
10. Megan Rapinoe
Like most Americans, I’m enchanted by the camaraderie and spirit of the U.S. Women’s National Team and obnoxiously proud of how dominant they’ve been in the 2010 World Cup and 2012 Olympics. Any idiot can see that a lot of these women are not just “pretty for sports,” but just straight up pretty. Hope Solo is dreamy, stormy, and intense. Sydney LeRoux is fly as hell. And Alex Morgan looks like the classy girl everyone hoped would show up to your party in college so that maybe you guys could exchange screennames in the hopes that who knows? maybe it’ll turn into something real.
But when you zoom out to view the whole pitch, who is the most eye-catching player on the field? It’s the platinum blonde flanking down the touchline.
Megan Rapinoe is not even trying to be the most attractive person on the team, but she’s got that glow, hustle, and playmaker quality that make it impossible to miss her. Everything about her is playful and fun, like she doesn’t even give a fuck. And I think that’s hot. Like super hot.
9. Penelope Cruz
Well this isn’t very fair.
Penelope Cruz is absurdly hot. Her hair is perfect. Her lips and smile are gigantic without ever losing their shapeliness. She is precisely the kind of woman who should be wearing red lipstick, which usually makes women look like clowny trollops or cartoon drawings.
Penelope Cruz is Jessica Rabbit without the red hair, which, let’s be honest, is an improvement by all measures. And yet somehow she’s coming in at number 9 on this list? How is that even possible?
Any time you can get worldwide recognition by your first name and it isn’t “Roseanne,” you’ve got to do it.
Shakira is one of my OG crushes. Here’s why. She is multiracial and sextilingual, which appropriately leads with the word ‘sex’ but actually means she speaks six languages. Coming in at 5’2″ max, she’s a pixie cherub shorty with wildin’ out hair and a perfect Lebanese/Spanish/Colombian tan. Go ahead and tweet that if you want. I don’t mind.
It doesn’t even matter if her pants are ill-fitting or top is about to fall off. There she is, looking radiant and carefree, with her curly hair all over the damn place and moving her midsection in mysterious ways.
Tell me you don’t love that. Tell me you don’t love her even more for telling you that her “breasts are small and humble so you don’t confuse them with mountains.” And if that’s not enough, maybe she’ll tell you in Spanish. Or French. Or Italian. Or Catalán.
7. Tina Fey
It feels like a cop out to put someone on a list of my crushes, and lead by saying she’s funny and has a great personality. So let me put it this way. I love this woman to a level that is inappropriate.
I would have a crush on Tina Fey if she were the ugliest woman on Earth. But she’s not. She is winsome and adorable. It’s not just her signature glasses, either. She has those gigantic brown eyes, an easy smile, and svelte legs that you don’t even bother to notice because she’s distracting you with her wit or ridiculous costumes.
Writing for and playing 30 Rock‘s Liz Lemon, Fey makes light of herself, her looks, and her less-than-desirable behavioral habits.
But it’s all for naught. I’m on to you, Tina. You can’t pretend you’re unpretty in real life. You can only play it on TV.
When Jay says he’s got the hottest chick in the game wearing his chain, he’s not playing. Sweet heavens.
No that’s not Pilates, her body just thick! Beyoncé has tight abs and massive thighs, and doesn’t bother hiding them. In fact, it’s like she can’t show enough of them. She’s all woman and wants you to know, that she knows, that you know.
Oh hay girl.
And the only thing more impressive than Bey’s body is her face. She seems to have ordered the cross-cultural appetizer sampler, which includes 2 big lips, 2 big eyes, 1 small nose, and warm amber skin. Hair color choice, $0.75 extra.
Despite the fact that her clothes leave little to the imagination, Beyoncé’s public image is classy and uncontroversial. Even Michelle Obama loves her. And, at the end of the day, when she falls down stairs in front of a packed house, she knows what to do.
If you didn’t see something you liked, stay tuned for tomorrow’s post, which will rattle off the Top 5.