Hi pals. Yesterday, I abruptly stopped at six on the list. Here is the stunning conclusion, my top five on The “I Swear I’m Not Gay, But Here Are Girls I Have a Crush On” Top 10 list.
5. Kerry Washington
Have you seen The Last King of Scotland? Because I have. And yes, I was appalled and crestfallen to watch the torture, mutilation, and murder of tens of thousands of Ugandans under the rule of Idi Amin. Forest Whitaker was brilliant in the role, but there was another shining light in the film.
Kerry Washington. HELLO.
Her oval face and dramatic almond eyes. Her lips, which belong on a billboard — by themselves, no makeup, no accompaniment. And then there is Kerry Washington’s body, which (a) is only possible on black women; (b) makes me wish I was black; and (c) proves once and for all that being toned is superior to being skinny. Bloody ‘ell, Harry! The curves! The definition! That ass!
She’s the most classically beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, on this list or otherwise. Plus, she spoke at the DNC and likes NPR. Be still my bleeding liberal heart, Kerry.
And so, I feel about Kerry Washington the way I feel about Jacoby Ellsbury. Why aren’t more people talking about this? Why isn’t she constantly in the conversation about hot chicks? Are people looking at the same woman I am?
4. Rashida Jones
You know what’s awesome? When the hot chick has a killer sense of humor. When she can take a joke as well as she can write one. Rashida Jones is a phenom. She’s the only person who could possibly play opposite Paul Rudd — as a nerdy hipster lesbian or a reasonable fiancé — and manage to come off just as charming and likeable as he is.
And Rashida has the most underrated feature in the universe: a light sprinkle of freckles across her nose.
She is dope as hell. And just when you thought it couldn’t get any better, she goes and does something like this (shitty video C/O Hulu removing the original jam).
Swoon. Dream girl.
3. Gwen Stefani
The year is 1995. I am almost 14 years old and have just entered middle school. I haven’t started shaving my legs because I have blonde hair and no one can see it anyway. I wear plaid flannel shorts with pockets that stick out and have thick bangs because it’s a lot more effort to let them grow out than to just keep cutting them. I am as awkward and ugly as I’ll ever be.
I watch MTV because I think it’s cool.
And one morning, there’s this video with this kick ass platinum blonde, wearing her hair like a 1950s pin-up and fire engine red lipstick. She’s wearing a series of midriff tops, baggy pants, saddle shoes, and a jewel between her eyebrows, which we’ll all soon learn is called a bindi. She’s sweating and doing push-ups and jump kicks.
Gwen Stefani is baller. She’s a quintessential weirdo who can’t help being pretty. I can’t tell if her beauty is timeless and ageless, or if it’s simply from another time and age.
Frankly, I’m not sure it matters because Gwen Stefani is 42, a mother of two, and might even look better now than when she first made it big, almost 20 years ago.
Like is this for real? The truth is stunning, and so is Gwen.
2. Lolo Jones
Listen, I’ve already covered Lolo. We all know I love her dearly. No matter what you say about her, I will defend her character, her talent, and her will to win. I am the man who will fight for her honor.
It’s not just because she looks like Rashida Jones’ more athletic stunt double (but like, riiiiiight?). It’s because she’s got a gigantic LED smile that cashes checks. She’s got the skin color that I’m trying to achieve in the summer but always seem to overshoot and those eyes that belong in the Emerald City. If that’s not enough to ring your bell, she’s got the best abs in the game.
Her body is rock solid and yet she doesn’t get that creepy masculine tilt that makes you check for an Adam’s apple. She’s the poster child for rosy-cheeked vitality, health, and fitness. I’m not going to belabor the point any further because seeing is believing. She’s a dime.
1. Punky Brewster
I’ve always been a little weirdo tomboy. Growing up, I preferred playing with my boy cousins and the boys in my class. I chose Ninja Turtles over Barbies and Micro Machines over Polly Pocket. I hated dresses and liked getting dirty. Some things never change.
And so, I think I should pay tribute to my first and most long-enduring girl crush: Punky Brewster.
This chick has everything. Freckles across the nose, cute little dimples, and the shit-eating grin that gets mischievous imps out of trouble 60% of the time. She wears weird vests with patches, hangs out with a golden retriever named Brandon, and has a stinkin’ cute raspy voice.
Punky, whose parents suck and abandoned her for undisclosed reasons, is resourceful enough to move into a vacant apartment without crying or getting emotional. She wears bandanas around her knees because she wants to and doesn’t care if her clothes match.
Soleil Moon Frye, who played Punky, has grown up hot enough to be on someone else’s girl crush list, but I like to think that Punky would have grown up differently.
Less Maxim, more milk and cookies. Weird and plucky. Keeping her multicolored Chucks and sunshine hair ties. The raddest chick who ever lived.
My style icon, my soul mate, my top crush.