There’s always been something special about the position of quarterback. We’ve built storylines around him. We can’t “Remember the Titans” without Sunshine. “Varsity Blues” made us believe that Dawson might not be a pussy. And Friday Night Lights gave us the Holy Trinity of Jason Street, Matt Saracen, and Vince Howard.
It’s the most glamorous position in all of sports, 90% due to the huge responsibility on a quarterback’s shoulders. But the other ten percent? It’s because QBs are notoriously dreamy.
I’ve grouped the NFL’s starting QBs into four tiers of attractiveness, and to keep it short and sweet, I’ve written a haiku distilling each QB’s appearance into a little 5-7-5 rhythm. Today, the hottest of them all. Tier 1, the Actively Hot Dreamboats.
Mark Sanchez, The New York Jets
Dark skin and light eyes
A body that just won’t quit
(Maybe it should though).
Cam Newton, Carolina Panthers
My God! Those dimples.
My fantasy team comes true
Wham Bam, Thank You Cam.
Brady Quinn, Kansas City Chiefs
John Hughes should cast him
As the jock who steals the girl.
Take your shirt off, bro!
Tom Brady, New England Patriots
Despite his butt-chin
Even Jets fans can agree:
Dude is fly as hell.
Josh Freeman, Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Last year was awful.
Now that you’re toned, I sweat you
And dig your fro-hawk.
Colin Kaepernick, San Francisco 49ers
Sensing a pattern?
Surprise! I like the mixed dude.
But lose the goatee.
Russell Wilson, Seattle Seahawks
What a money quarterback
Change found in the couch
Robert Griffin III, Washington Redskins
A smile like Strahan’s,
The spaces make it better.
The braids have to go.
Ryan Tannehill, Miami Dolphins
Blonde hair and blue eyes,
This guy played at A&M.
Can you say “typecast?”