I don’t mean to cheapen this story. The one in which the double-amputee Olympic sprinter, Oscar Pistorius has been indicted for murdering a woman in his home. Details surrounding the death of Reeva Steenkamp are still murky, but we know she was killed by multiple shots from a 9mm pistol, and that Oscar Pistorius is the one who fired the weapon.
I’m deeply sad to see an athlete that I looked up to — so determined and remarkable and actually heroic in his sport — is at best, fatally careless, and at worst, a monster. It might have been an accident or it might have been on purpose. I’m not sure which is worse. It’s just absolutely terrible.
There’s nothing I can do that can have any impact on this event. But what I can and must do is find a replacement for Oscar Pistorius on my Top 10 Hottest Dudes list. If Chris Brown can’t be on my list, neither can Pistorius. Those are the rules.
So what do I do? Who gets the big call-up?
Do I go with Stephen Curry, the underdog who played at Davidson, only to become one of the NBA’s most consistent 3-point shooters? With his babyface and perfect eyes and his chocolate milk (not to be confused with milk chocolate) skin.
The uncanny ability to drain threes. No. Steph is great, but if the underdog gets his come-up, then he loses one of the things I like most about him. It’s a Catch-22. It’s unfair. But, sorry, Steph, you just missed the cut. Stay hungry.
Or, I’ve always been a sucker for nerds. What about that little up-and-comer Skylar Astin? He’s got some decent dimples and an unexpectedly nice body.
He looks like what would have happened if Luke Perry was better at algebra, and I like that about him.
But, there are two huge reasons I couldn’t possibly let Skylar Astin make the list.
1) I can’t allow myself to have a crush on a dude named Skylar. That’s just not right.
2) It would require admitting that I voluntarily saw Pitch Perfect, which is never going to happen.
What about Miguel? I can’t shut up about that guy. My iPod caught fire from listening too hard to Kaleidescope Dream. Is that love?
No. Miguel has a skinny head and just plain isn’t fly. He can sing his ass off, but it’s just not happening.
Ok, what about CP3? I’ve always loved point guards, and Chris Paul might be the flyest one.
He has a mesomorph build, light eyes, and went half on this precious little creature.
Maybe it’s Chris Paul. No. It’s not Chris Paul. It could have been Chris Paul, but it isn’t. It’s like why chocolate chip aren’t my favorite cookie. There’s nothing wrong with them, but oatmeal chocolate chip just happen to be better.
Alright, alright. So I know this feels bandwagon-y, but there was no other way to find Colin Kaepernick.
It’s not like I only liked him when he went to the Super Bowl. I picked Kap up as my backup fantasy QB about ten seconds after his first start for the Niners. And boy, I really liked watching that stack of legs run. He’s got my favorite build in the universe: long and lean, skinny but not scrawny.
And his face is adorable, always wearing a mischievous grin, like the kind of guy who would have watched Dumb and Dumber 800 times and listened to “Medium Pace.” I guess I’m saying it looks like we’d be compatible as like more than friends. And dude could have played pro baseball. But he didn’t. Because now he’s the starting QB of the San Francisco 49ers. The only reason it’s not Colin Kaepernick? I don’t love tattoos.
So I’m still on the Kaepernick bandwagon, but you know what Outkast says? Motherf*ck the wagon, come join the band.
LOOK AT JOSH FREEMAN. LOOK AT THIS MAN NOW.
Gone are the days when Josh Freeman looked more like a Bucs fan than their starting QB. Now he’s got the chiseled features, the adorable fro-hawk, and the, GULP hip bones.
It’s crazy. He’s visibly a new man, and his QB stats this year would say the same. It’s amazing what a little overtime in the weight room will do.
Oh, and guess what else. Josh Freeman isn’t just a cold-blooded, tiger-taming pop icon with a phony jheri curl. He also loves soccer. And Cristiano Ronaldo. I think there’s something magical between us.
Josh, come on up here and get your rose. You’ve earned it.