What to do when one of your Top 10 Hottest Dudes signs with the Yankees

This is my nightmare. 

ellsbury in the trash

Jacoby Ellsbury, who previously held the NUMBER TWO spot on my list of hottest dudes, joins Oscar Pistorius as the second man whose membership on this elite list has been revoked for shameful acts.

After six years in a Red Sox uniform, Ellsbury turned his back on his fans, the organization, and his teammates. After two World Series titles, he’s decided that money is more important than winning.

Ellsbury signed a seven-year, $153 million contract with the New York Yankees. Literally the ONLY team that’s off-limits. If the Sorting Hat puts you in Gryffindor, you can hang out with all the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs you want. Slytherin is not an option. When the Dark Lord comes asking for you, you tell him to piss off. That’s just the way this goes.

piss off voldemort

Before you jaded motherfuckers come at me like I’m some naïve idiot, pump the brakes. I understand this is business. I listened to my fair share of The Lox in the 90s, so the concept of money, power, & respect is not lost on me.

But no one respects a sell out, a turncoat, a traitor. And there’s not an honest-to-goodness ballplayer in the world who thinks it’s “just business” to go from the Boston Red Sox to the New York Yankees. If you grew up watching America’s pastime, there’s no way you could feel that way. This storied rivalry, these timeless ball clubs, The Curse of the Bambino for crying out loud!

Jacoby, you beautiful son of a bitch, this cut me deep.  You could have stayed with the Sox, but you didn’t.  You could have chosen any other team, but you didn’t.  And there’s no amount of money that can make up for the fact that you sold your soul to The Evil Empire.

If you do things just for money, it doesn’t make you smart or savvy or logical. It makes you a hack. Where’s the regard for your legacy? Where’s your respect for the game?

Be honest.  Could you look a ten year-old in the eyes and explain your decision to him without feeling like you desecrated the game he loves? What about the game you love?

I’m betrayed and disappointed. Jacoby, you were the one dude who had the potential to unseat Cristiano at the top of the list, but you spoiled it. You broke my heart.  You’re dead to me. Enjoy the property taxes in Bergen County, you Herb.

And now I’ve got a spot to fill on this list.

Unlike last year when I hemmed and hawed about who would replace Oscar Pistorius, ultimately choosing Josh Freeman (who is only slightly more useful without a concussion than with one), this is a no-brainer.  I didn’t even consider other options.  There is only one.

Not just to spite Jacoby, I’m taking another dude from Oregon.

Someone who’s not so injury-prone. Someone who is clearly not in it for the money because if he was, he would have picked almost any other sport, considering how goddamn athletic he is. Someone who would never turn his back on his team because his team is the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

Without hesitation, I submit to you The World’s Greatest Athlete: Ashton Eaton.

World Record Decathlete

His pedigree is perfect.  The son of a football player and a dancer. Competed in football, basketball, running, soccer, and wrestling, finally settling on the decathlon because when you’re so good at everything, how can you possibly choose?

eaton long jumping
Naked long jump: #YOLO

He’s built for speed and strength, measured over ten events: 100m, 110m hurdles, 400m, 1500m, long jump, high jump, pole vault, javelin, shot put, and discus. And if that’s not enough for you, he’s got the World Record in the men’s heptathlon, too.

Eaton’s proportions are perfect. Six feet, one inch and weighing 185 lbs of lean muscle.  Fight or flight?  How about both.  The Fibonacci Sequence never looked so good.

eaton body

And then there’s his perfectly engineered skin tone from having a white mama and black papa.  I’m not sure why white supremacists are worried about racial purity because this is what happens when people mix races.  

eaton with flag

Hugging his mama.
Ashton hugging his mama.

He’s fit, fly, and fit to fly.  He’s a complete stud with a brilliant smile, a flawless body, and athletic talents that exceed everyone on the planet.  In retrospect, it was a complete oversight to not include him on my first list.  I’m ashamed of myself.  I’m sorry everybody.


Ashton Eaton, I’ve been hurt but I’m ready to love again.  I’m in a very vulnerable place, but I need you.  America needs you.  So, please get your perfectly sculpted ass up here on this podium and assume the position of the second hottest dude in the world.


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