The Invite Oh, Mary, that’s just lovely. Of course I’d like to come for dinner tonight. We had such a wonderful time this weekend at the farmer’s market. It got a bit warm, though, didn’t it? When I got home, my Moby wrap was so sweaty from carrying my sweet Tallula all day. Good thing… Read More Dinner with a Kosher, Vegan, Celiac with Peanut Allergies
I used to romanticize the process of art creation, assuming that great words would just fall out of my head in perfect sequence. Assuming that every single one of my thoughts and sentences should touch the page in perfect form, achieving Nirvana and changing the world simply through being. I wanted to be a genius.… Read More Stroking My Genius
OK, so look. From the pants up, I’m a mess. I know it and you know it. I don’t even know what size pants I am. That’s the honest to goodness truth. What is the length of my inseam? I can recite the preamble to the Constitution, the poem “I Wandered Lonely As a Cloud”… Read More Sneakerhead Anthem
Best of luck, sister, but Picasso couldn’t make sense of this thing.
… Read More Today, I Hate My Face
Since the ripe age of twenty-nine, I’ve prepared an annual list of things I know or things I’ve learned from the past year only to learn that I know enough to know that I don’t know anything. Gulp. Vexing, right? So what’s a girl to do if I don’t have any more answers about the… Read More 31 for 31
I was on a bender. So high on cotton candy and funnel cakes that I got a tiger tattoo on my arm. It was my aunt’s company picnic, where I joined all the other normal kids in running around with a half-chewed hot dog in my mouth. A little dirtbag maniac, giggling my head off… Read More Boy to the World
I was wrong. I know you’re all silently pumping your fist under your desk, thrilled that a smug(ly) know-it-all like me just said those three magical words. I’ll let you have your moment. But for as insufferable as I am when I correct your inaccurate lyrics or explain the reasons that lactose intolerance is a… Read More Buy Some Sweaters, Damn it.
I’ll bet you like the pretty kind. Someone skinny with dainty wrists. She sends you emails with exclamation points and describes herself as “fabulous” in conversation, as if it’s not a mockery of the word she’s looking for, which is self-conscious or needy or fragile. She hides behind smoky eye shadow, sequin blouses, cocktails, her… Read More What Kind of Woman
We’re twenty-five and paying higher rent than my parents’ mortgage, playing in competitive bocce leagues and complaining about the exorbitant prices of happy hour specials. Four dollars for a domestic beer and half priced appetizers, which means we pay only six dollars for a plate of lamb sliders with mint pesto, as if that’s passable… Read More Chuck Brown Is Dead (or, how money changed the city)
After much public speculation and mourning, the official autopsy report for Irony reveals cause of death as strangulation caused by hanging. Time of death has been determined as 9:07pm on Thursday, March 22. When first responders arrived to Irony’s apartment in Echo Park, Los Angeles, they found the deceased unconscious and unresponsive as the result… Read More Autopsy Confirms Death of Irony is a Suicide