My best friend Bradley, the greatest person to ever streak the hallways of Freehold High School, recently asked me to think about the best lessons I’ve learned to date. The things that I’ve learned that really stick with me. Without further ado, 29 lessons for my 29 years on Earth.
1. Life has been good to me. Life hasn’t been good to everyone, but it’s been good to me.
2. It’s not always where you finish that matters. Often times, where you start has a huge impact on where you finish.
3. Multi-tasking is bullshit and you know it.
4. Lactose intolerance isn’t a real thing.
5. Teenagers are wrong: parents are cool as shit.
6. Being fat is as unacceptable — and as much your own fault — as smoking.
7. If you move away, don’t expect people to visit you, even if they say they’re going to. You’re going to do 90% of the visiting, always.
8. Sometimes cursing is fucking fun.
9. I love business. I can’t tell you how much it stuns me to know that. I really really love business.
10. If someone sends you an invitation to something and you can’t or don’t want to go, it’s best to just RSVP no. Maybe you’re trying to spare feelings by not sending the bad news, but you’ll lose more friends for being an unreliable flake than for being honest.
11. Daddy issues ruin girls for life. I thank my lucky stars that my dad is so awesome and had sisters and knows how to deal with females.
12. Boys like long hair.
13. Going to college fortifies your whole being. It doesn’t matter what you study so much as how you learn.
14. Know sports. Seriously. I can’t tell you how important it is to know sports, especially for females. It will help you socialize with your male colleagues at work. It will give you something to care about. It will give you some sweet ass metaphors to use. Don’t be a weenie.
15. I get barfy on planes and buses. Often. It’s just something I have accepted.
16. Dick around when you’ve got the time. Be an idiot, but not tooooo big of an idiot. Put frozen vegetables on strangers’ cars but don’t, like, hurt anyone.
17. Picky eaters are super annoying.
18. It’s important to reward people when they do things well. And it has to be OK that some people don’t get rewards. You need to know where you stand. Life has winners and losers. And you don’t always get to win. Know that, and try harder.
19. Move out of state. Get away. For at least a little.
20. It’s important to know how to write well. Grammar and syntax are not a choice. There are rules!
21. Laughing until you pee your pants is a privilege.
22. Don’t hide your talents. No one wants to see a big dancer sitting quietly at the table. Throw your hands in the air!
23. Don’t be one of those people who “hates mornings” or “hates Mondays.” That’s 1/3 of your life and 1/7 of your total life, respectively.
If you hate mornings and Mondays, let’s do the math.
- “I hate all mornings (1/3 of a waking day), 7 days a week” is represented as: (1/3)*7= I hate 2 1/3 days per week
- “I hate all day Monday, but you already included hating the morning so let’s not get crazy and double-hate” is represented as: 1 – 1/3 = 2/3
- 2 1/3 + 2/3 = I hate 3 days a week.
3 full days of your week are just wasted because you share the same shitty attitude as Garfield. I can’t accept that.
24. Running is as powerful a force for me as religion is for other people. I believe in it. It has changed me, made me better, improved my life, and saved me. It’s a fundamental part of who I am.
25. Boners are hilarious!
26. Laugh tracks are a disgrace.
27. Be earnest, even when it hurts you the most.
28. If you don’t like Billy Joel – Fuck You.
29. Spend as much time with the people and things that you do like — and as little with the people and things that you don’t — as possible.